Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These aren’t even hard anymore.

I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”

Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge

ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.

GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.

ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!

Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.

~my new handbag

Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.

When you’ve simply given up.

my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full

me, carrying 8 grocery bags:

ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?

DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle

I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids

5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?

Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants

Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.

We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice

Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.

Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?

It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.

My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!

Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year

#DesignFail

Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say

I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters

[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal

George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.

#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly

I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…

Stewardess – Are you a comedian?

Me – Yes

Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”

“I know exactly how you feel.”

*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman

love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog

I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.

Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation

You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.

[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want

I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…