Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
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You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.