Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.

Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”

“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail

Him: Take them off. All of them.

*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans

[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho

HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now

ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?

If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.

A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.

whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”

To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR

[at the club]

Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots

Her: Just take them off

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”

Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’

In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.

The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.

Him: you know, a baby deliverer…

Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?

But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.

If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.

Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though

A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.

Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah!

[After spending a week with me]

Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?

the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet

[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the vic

cop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning

me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?

Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.

Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.

Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.

I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal