Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.

when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol

If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?

Me: these edibles are shit

(30 minutes later)

I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos

*in court for murder*

I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.

Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.

Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.

The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that

Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.

Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza

What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?

wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working

I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park

I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.

It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.

Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces

[doing a crossword]

friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony

me: baby horse

friend: no like fake

me: unicorn jr

You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…

…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.

we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌

[in bed]

Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…

Me: *removes ear plugs*

*removes sleeping mask*

*removes snoring strip*

*removes mouth guard*

Hey…

Husband: *sleeping*

My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?

Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable

I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.

Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”

Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.

Me: Really?

Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.

Me: What?!

Mom: He’s an alcoholic.

Me: I don’t think…

Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.

Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.

Tree: so how do I eat?

God: you just absorb sunlight and-

Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!

God: well not exactly-

Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ

God:

Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.

Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.

The Jaws theme stays on during sex.

if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson

2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?

Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?

2020: How’s your back?

Me: Damn it!

2020: *teehee*

Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names

I’ve got some sick beats.

No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.