Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dearest Twitter,

Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.

I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius

Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.

Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too

Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.

Father’s Day Fun:

1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.

Kale: i strengthen the immune system

Avocado: i’m a healthy fat

Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein

Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes

Me: six twinkies please

Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.

things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves

When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.

Worked a treat.

Got me twenty years.

yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days

*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats

One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.

When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”

It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.

[First day as a beaver]

Me: Dam.

Me: Go to bed

4-year-old: But I have questions!

Me: You’re stalling

4: I need to know!

Me: What?

4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?

Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*

What happened?!

Me: There was a spider.

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?

Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?

I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.

One of them is lying.

Ahh Monday.. Like the unpleasant realisation of an auto renewal that’s 3 X the original price

Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo

BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?

NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-

INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know

“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”

– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers

Wordle is trying to tell me something

⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

PRIEST: do you have the ring

ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd

God: you’ll be man’s best friend

Cat: nah

God: wh-what

Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*

Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu

God: ok you have a point

Dog, to cat: ilove-

Cat: *swats nose* no

Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.