Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.

Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?

A2: I do.

A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.

A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?

A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”

Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.

[ alone in a dark cemetery ]

me: marco

Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.

Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.

Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.

If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.

*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*

Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.

I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”

Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷‍♂️😆🤷‍♂️😆

Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*

Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.

Metabolism:

is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while

cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”

Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors

4: Water!

Me: Ask me nicely

4: Actually, I’ll get it myself

The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge

My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”

Me: “OK.”

*takes a nap*

*reads four books*

*builds a pyramid*

“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”

-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken

I think about this cartoon a lot.

*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good

This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀

sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale

Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open

“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch

A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.

the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/