me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now
![]()
You Might Also Like
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
![]()
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
m’lady
![]()
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.