Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite exchange on Twitter today.

*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better

I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.

terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: i said come with me if

me: i heard you the first time

shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms

Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.

I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.

Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh

EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol

going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again

I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone

What’sApp

Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …

*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*

Mom: Fish, honey!

If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.

date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”

people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.

Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?

3yr old: No, the crow did it

Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold

3yr old: *points out window

Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass

3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.

Become ungovernable.

Barber: What can I do for you?

Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?

Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?

Me: Can you do it or not?

[resorting to cannibalism]

My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!

Me: he would have wanted us to survive

Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE

wishing you and yours all the best

People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb

Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.

NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE

murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons

me: i’ll wait

me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?

some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”

Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…

~Kids

How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???

It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”

[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”