me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now
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Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
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CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
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My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol