Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Condescending:

(adj) showing patronizing superiority

(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.

I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.

If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.

Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’

getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.

Costco ….

Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….

and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.

How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?

Men – 2

Women – 1,768

Me: Are you mad at me?

Wife: Eventually.

did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,

Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”

~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~

Me, “I want a divorce.”

when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”

when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”

*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top

my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever

me:

I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.

I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.

Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.

A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.

The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?

Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.

*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”

Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you

20 year old me)I’m going to be rich

30 year old me)I’m going to travel

40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person

50 year old me)I’m going to bed

Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.

Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69

Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy

please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!

Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.

I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.

[at a funeral home]

ME: One death please

LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names

ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won