Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it

mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.

Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!

Me:

waiter: did you enjoy your meal

me: honestly not really

waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever

My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better

my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi

[picks up scalp massager]

Me: what’s this thing called

Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher

Me: well take a guess my man

People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.

wife: did you get the kids from daycare?

me: we don’t have any kids

wife: yeah you were supposed to get some

I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”

Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.

I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.

Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.

Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.

I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude

[Reporting live on scene]

Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?

Me: Christ Gary, all of it.

My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.

*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*

Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.

😭😭😭

*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.

HR: Can you explain this??

Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes

I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”

I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job

wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”

Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday

Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”

ME: I wish I could fix this problem

SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-

ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…

My mother: What color do you look good in?

Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.