Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.

I bet Santa has 3 lists now:

Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.

You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.

Sombrero is better than nobrero.

-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.

Top of the ramen to ya, laddies

“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit

I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.

Catering service

Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.

I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.

Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…

Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance

Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.

if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie

I don’t understand what’s happening here.

A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”

Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.

“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”

shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”

Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.

Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.

Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.

New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.

Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter

My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out

Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…

that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.

In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.

*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*