me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
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“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.