Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”

You: “Why? What’s happened?”

Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”

Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy

“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???

‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla

-Me as a teacher

Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes

“There’s someone out there for everyone”.

A really vague Receptionist.

I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.

Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.

Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.

9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.

Me: Same.

men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>

My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.

Her: I like dogs

Me: *dies in 10-13 years*

If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.

The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.

Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.

Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…

if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life

(therapist voice)

Please, lie down on the shrouch.

For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions

I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.

[wedding reception]

DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE

Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?

IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice

My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.

I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.

Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.

HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.

… Nailed it!