me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
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tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
[Violently kicking down the door of an elderly care nursing facility]
I NEED VOLUNTEERS TO RUN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
Ha
The more I insisted marshmallows were vegetables, the angrier my doctor got.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Watching Home Alone with my 8 year old twins.
One of them is cackling like a hyena every time a paint can smashes the face of the would be burglars.
The other is sitting with a concerned look on his face saying things like “well that doesn’t seem safe”
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
I visited one of those so-called “wind farms” recently. Virtually no wind being produced. If anything, it was using up the wind that was already there. Complete waste of time.
three things we don’t talk about
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
What do you call it when one banana eats another?
Cannibananabalism.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind