me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
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When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Kay’s emergency department tape rule:
If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.
If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
A Short Story.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Well, shit
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste