me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
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SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Always this one for me forever
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Don’t snitch tag.
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Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.