Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.

You’ve got some nerve

~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window

I was up all night reading about insomnia

For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons

Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.

Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals

(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?

Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.

Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”

[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog

If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?

Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered

[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!

Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can

Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy

[date night]

*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*

Let’s do this.

Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky

Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more

customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it

Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”

Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”

@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck

Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*

It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread

[Couples Therapy]

HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead

HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26

ME: OMG SEE!

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”

” Yes, we arson.”

#HatDadJoke

My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.

How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.

My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.

My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.

I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.

Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in

Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up

HER: my water broke

ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months