Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
You Might Also Like
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Took three Ambiens and tried to call God on the microwave
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
can’t catch a break
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Print is alive and well!!!
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”