Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s that?

“It’s my pet rock.”

Why does it look sad?

DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.

The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.

due date

One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind

Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.

[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang

If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.

Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church

Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’

date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes

Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”

A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”

Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.

Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.

So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.

The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.

There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button

Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.

Wish the trash would take me out for once.

I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.

I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.

Long story short, I need bail money.

So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners

ME: I wasn’t invited to the party

FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic

ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone

So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?

I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.

I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.

Wow your dad must be a rich man.

No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.

Hour 43 no smoking:

-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.

[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN

tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more

As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.