Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.

[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.

Harvey Dent:

jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this

j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same

When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂

Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”

Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”

Me: “Oh, boy.”

“This is all water! Now that was misleading”

-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.

I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…

Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.

I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999

Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About

#Caturday

I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.

My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔

My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready

There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.

These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.

*boss stops meeting*

Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?

Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.

Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.

–Moms

Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?

I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.

My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.

88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

You know how I know society sets us up to fail?

Roombas only work if your house is already clean.

Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.

Him: hey see you around

Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead

9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.

Me: That’s every culture son.

funeral catering business:

your loss, our gain

Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.

He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.

One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.

And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.