Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
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I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
dictator is short for richard potato
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Pandas 🐼🖤
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.