Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
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SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
💀😭
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Old old old old old west
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.