Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!

Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked

My flabber has been gasted.

just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet

just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside

God: you’re a coyote.

Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?

God: Heavenly Way.

Coyote: what about your first pets name?

God: Sprinkles : )

Coyote: awww last four of your social?

God: 0001, why?

Coyote: no reason.

[later]

Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.

Him: What’s in the oven?

Me: Freud chicken.

Him: You mean fried.

Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!

The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.

According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.

If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?

My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.

Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.

For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you

Wife: You have no friends

Me: Of course I do

Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.

Me: 🤔

I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.

I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.

4: mommy, I don’t like you.

Me: why, what did I do??

4: *gives me a huge hug*

Me: uh

4: I only love grandma

Me: what is happening

When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?

People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die

[twirls in a dress made of knives]

Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.

I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.

my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.

At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game

Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No

My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”

Sean’s gf: I feel seen

Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that

the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING

It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”

If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.

There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.