Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”

Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”

ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.

My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you

GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language

BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand

BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent

#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting

You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.

watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome

Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.

My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.

Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.

Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.

Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me

My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.

Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching

Me: Your sandwiches are ready

16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*

Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten

16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.

Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.

Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?

-my kid who is about to get us burglarized

I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face

I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”

omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.

DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.

My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔

My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready

My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction

If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.

Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework

I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.

A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:

“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”

Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.

*drinks Grey Goose

*adds bird fanatic to the resume

People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.