ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
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Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Steam Forums
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
😭😭😭
An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
I met a microbiologist today…
He was a lot bigger than I expected.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Donkey Kong sommelier
