Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.

The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout

I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story

Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE

Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think

OH. COME. ON.

*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.

Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply

Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine

Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*

I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.

Pigeon open mic night.

If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.

If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait

Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.

8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up

Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56

I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.

“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”

*pulls the plug*

I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today

Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?

*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*

Me: The gym.

“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*

Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks

If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.

Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.

You can be having the nicest day and then you have to print something and you know your day is about to fall apart real fast

True?

I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.

Dear people who think every tweet is a “subtweet” about you,

IT’S NOT.

except for that one from earlier

maybe?

Regards,
Ry