ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
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The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
tourist season
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2