ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
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The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?
Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time
*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.