Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m going to be so productive today!

Apple Screen Time Report: LOL

You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.

Question of the day :

If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?

“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.

Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.

Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.

Me:

Rey: Look. I still have two hands.

I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.

Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.

Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.

For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.

Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??

Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!

“Don’t make things all about you for once…”

My mother says hi.

me: this meeting couldve been an email

me when I get an email: I’m not reading that

[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already

If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.

My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.

I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.

I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first

I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event

“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.

7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.

wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust

me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?

ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle

Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?

We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.

No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.

NETFLIX: Skip intro?

ME: Yes.

NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.

ME: Should…should I not skip it?

NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.

ME: Okay, skip intro.

NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.

My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…

58 seconds…

58 whole seconds…

Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”

…where was that attitude on our wedding night???

Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.

Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.

one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked

Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?

Me: …a daughter.

Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.