ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
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“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
This is enough internet for the day.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*