Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?

Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!

Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.

“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”

My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married

I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.

This is the dumbest apocalypse ever

My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?

Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord

Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.

A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.

WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.

ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?

As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.

Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”

And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”

Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true

If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.

[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.

What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?

I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich

Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?

Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there

Cop:….

Me:..

Cop: sir, your tailamp is out

Me:…

My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.

Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.

Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!

Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-

Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE

Dinosaur 911: same color as you?

Dinosaur: YES

Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?

Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh

My wife really is the sunshine of my life.

Too bad I’m a vampire.

My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.

Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.

me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals

[bar]

DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…

CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]

ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.