Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.

Wife: I hate that thing

Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!

Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico

Me: It’s a collector’s item!

Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”

Me:

Wife:

Me: You want me to toss it?

Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties

Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.

I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.

For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.

Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.

her: I named my baby Susan

me: boring

her: she’s a puppy

me: omg I love it

damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do

What do we want?

Decisiveness!

When do we want it?

Ummm…

If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.

[Sherwood Forest]

LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me

ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…

LITTLE JOHN: Right

ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor

LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them

ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?

LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.

“Can I be honest with you?”

“Yes.”

“You don’t know me at all do you?”

Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away

Love bombing?

I’ve never even been love water ballooned

My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.

*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.

99 bottles of beer on the wall?

Challenge accepted

If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!

HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected

*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”

Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues

Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*

[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm

The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.

Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?

Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case

ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough

[break room]

coworker: what’s for lunch?

me: [eating] food, generally

cw: no, I mean what are you having?

me: an unwanted conversation

but that was my emotional support daylight

First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING

A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.

I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet

I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.