Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready

When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying

Roses are red
Violets are blue…

When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.

Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?

Paid. Gamer. Leave.

Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).

Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?

Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

A: You look for the fresh prints!

I’ll show myself out y’all

My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.

You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again

-Plagiarists

I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.

Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”

I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.

*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter

“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”

someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol

To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.

I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.

The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.

There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.

Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.

*googles how the hell I ended up here*

[neighbourhood watch meeting]

john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.

suzy: omg who could it be?

lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.

I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”

At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.

Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.

Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..

“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”

“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”

Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”

Twerking is the crocs of dancing.

I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY

Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.

a group of crows is a murder

a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder

I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.

[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*