Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.

Me: School starts in a few days.

7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.

“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”

Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like

You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa

As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.

My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.

What an exciting day!

First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.

#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Radiohead fans, this is for you.

We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.

Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!

Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.

My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.

Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.

This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.

We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.

Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.

Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.

Me: Do that thing I like.

Husband: Soaks dishes.

[Blazing hot day]

Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.

~ My mom.

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

(my first day in customer service)

Caller: I can’t understand you.

Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…

Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”

I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.

-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV

Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.

*one minute after turning out light*

My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.

After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.

[first day as a bartender]

customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner

me: [holding it] HEY

her: [looks up]

me: CATCH

Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.

Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins

(shaved my back and shoulders)

wanted: shrödingers cat

dead and alive

“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)

I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.

*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?

I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared