Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.

People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next

basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun

“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”

-cheapskates

Friend: What do your kids like to eat?

Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.

ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.

ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*

The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.

Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.

When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”

My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.

I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks

me: [picking my nose]

surgeon: great choice

He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days

Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir

Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?

Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir

After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.

Lol #dogsoftwitter

It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”

It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.

Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.

Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar

Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!

*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*

I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle

Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”

Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.

how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram

I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again

Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.

accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted

ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy