Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway

omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse

As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.

Kay’s emergency department tape rule:

If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.

If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.

Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture

goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.

My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.

*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*

Finally

Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ

Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.

THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.

When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.

My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.

I call bullshit.

Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:

-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane

My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…

I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”

“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations

“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations

i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity

me: help i’m being murdered

911: sounds like you’re tattling

me: what

murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling

mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber

[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop

When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.

Karen: Are we ok?

Me: [removes earbud] Yes.

Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”

him: how long for a table

me: they’re about 5 ft across

him: no the wait

me: about 78 lbs

*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE

I have also decided to not buy Twitter.

My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.

St. Peter: “Spock?”

Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”

St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”

The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim

I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.

I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes