Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
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Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
This is my pinned tweet
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.