Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
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No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog does and pee a little
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Does it…does it take 3 days
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”
– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
#ProTip
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”