Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
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Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Good morning
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Generation gap…
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Frog purse.
