Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?
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WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.