Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?
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Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
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her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
I feel seen.
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