Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
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I beg your pardon?
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Big Sex has us all fooled
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.