@AndrewsNotFunny

Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!

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@Home_Halfway

BARISTA: I have an order for…God? Is there a God?
[no one answers]
ATHEIST: Haha told ya
GOD: *exiting bathroom* Sorry I’m here
ATH: Shit

@decentbirthday

[camping]

me: why can’t i find any animals

wife: the wildlife is very conservative here

deer: climate change is a myth

@TheAlexNevil

Going to a friend’s surprise birthday party. I already know about it, but I’ll act surprised anyway.

@Tmoney68

Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.

@ArfMeasures

JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?

ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct

@StephenAtHome

The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.

@ozzyunc

Society’s a wreck because Superman has nowhere to change.

@YoungNobler

Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line

@WilliamAder

Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.

@Daveastated

I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.