Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!

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BARISTA: I have an order for…God? Is there a God?
[no one answers]
ATHEIST: Haha told ya
GOD: *exiting bathroom* Sorry I’m here
ATH: Shit



me: why can’t i find any animals

wife: the wildlife is very conservative here

deer: climate change is a myth


Going to a friend’s surprise birthday party. I already know about it, but I’ll act surprised anyway.


Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.


JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?

ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct


The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.


Society’s a wreck because Superman has nowhere to change.


Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line


Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.


I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.