@AndrewsNotFunny

Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!

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@TeahLhompson

I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge

@WheelTod

“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

@LMLMadness

Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.

@pilau

Man: You’re killing me

Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material

@UweBollocks

Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol

@arandomhim

*walks into the hottest restaurant w/out a reservation*
We’re fully booked
“Ahem, I’m Yelp reviewer TURDBONER69”
Sorry sir right this way

@scot7a

I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.

@CrockettForReal

Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone

@DeadLioness

Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.