I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
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“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
*walks into the hottest restaurant w/out a reservation*
We’re fully booked
“Ahem, I’m Yelp reviewer TURDBONER69”
Sorry sir right this way
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.