Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
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“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities