Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”

I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.

Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?

Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.

Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.

Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.

that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total

The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.

My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”

Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”

Me: “When can I start?”

Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.

o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.

Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911

A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.

On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.

The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.

The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.

Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw

meow

I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.

If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.

Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?

Me: “The The Batman”?

When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”

No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.

I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”

If you see something, say something.

My dog: i got this