Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.

Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.

John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*

Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.

[hitting on a girl]

ME: can I buy you a beer?

HER: no thanks

ME: so two beers then?

HER: i said no thanks

ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer

Stop me if you’ve heard this already.

-said no kid ever

*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar

Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.

*2 minutes later*

Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.

me: I’d like some ham please

server: ok how much

me: I really really want it

Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.

when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today

Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.

Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave

What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.

What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.

I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.

[First date]

Her: I like bad boys.

Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.

Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?

Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.

H:

Me:

H: I think it’s time to take a break…

Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.

H: …from twitter

Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?

Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha

Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now

I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.

I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks

always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care

Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.

When I pack too much for a short trip.

It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.

My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars

me: omg why are you so obsessed with me

cop: because you ran over 4 people back there

It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”.

I don’t even know where that is.

Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot

The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.

#StormAshley

“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok

Oh sure so it’s okay for Jesus to raise people back from the dead, but when I, Victor Frankenstein,

I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.