@junejuly12

Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.

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@dumbbeezie

Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand

@Tommytoughstuff

THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.

@ItsAndyRyan

Whoever discovered cows must have been annoyed that the name ‘moose’ was already taken.

@BlindVigil

What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?

Starchy and Husk

@Sorrowscopes

Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

@theshamingofjay

*tries for a year to brush and floss better*

*goes to dentist*

Dentist: Do you even own a toothbrush?

@SteveSuckington

National product once got caught picking his nose and eating it thus forever being known as gross national product.

@brennadine

Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too

@wolfpupy

you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.