Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.

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There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.

1. You
2. All the other idiots


Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything


me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?

son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn


OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases


“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon


pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere


Me: I’m sorry Aquaman, but talking to fish just isn’t a super power.
Aquaman: oh yeah? *squints* a dolphin scoots to my car and shits on it


My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.


“One day I caught myself smiling for no reason, then I realized I was thinking of you….”

under a moving bus