Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth

Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.

My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck

Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?

7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting

Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now

Bird: *flies into my office window*

Me: yeah, same.

Me *putting honey on toast*

Son: do you know bees make that?

Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot

[Later]
Date: tell me something interesting

Me: bees make toast

People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.

Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to

“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying

If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.

Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁

Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life

I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)

I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.

Body: We need to sleep

Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?

Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS

Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”

16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection

Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?

16: I’m sorry I tell you anything

Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity

Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?

Me:…

this is how the alphabet looks from above

– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –

Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.

Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?

I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?

I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again

[NASCAR Press Conference]

REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?

DRIVER: Fast circles

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

my name is luke but my friends dont call me

starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side

I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.

[First Date]

Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.

Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.

I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.