@jackiembouvier

Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?

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@causticbob

A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”

“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”

@AngelaEhh

My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.

I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.

@sixfootcandy

I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”

@TheTweetOfGod

The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.

@sandjoeman

In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.

@jordanrubin

“We stopped making the style of jeans that fit you perfectly right after you bought your first pair.” -Every store ever

@TankCesar

Vaccines don’t kill children.
Anakin Skywalker kills children.

@Inferno_V

Friends come and friends go.

Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.

And the ones that bring beer.

@AHundredElbows

[at pet store]

“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”

“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”