Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?

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me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?


A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation


I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore


Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
NT: Please don’t cry.


My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.


ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98

ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me


I don’t speak button, but if I could I’m pretty sure the button on my jeans is saying, “Aaaaah! Help me!” right now.


Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful


soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk