Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
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Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.