@causticbob A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
@jackiembouvier Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
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@causticbob 
@AngelaEhh My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
@sixfootcandy I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
@TheTweetOfGod The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
@sandjoeman In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
@jordanrubin “We stopped making the style of jeans that fit you perfectly right after you bought your first pair.” -Every store ever
@TankCesar Vaccines don’t kill children.
Anakin Skywalker kills children.
@Inferno_V Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
@meatyocre to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
@AHundredElbows [at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”