Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@cloudypianos

me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?

@cellapaz

A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation

@TheNYAMProject

I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.

@SondraDeeMe

My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.

@ArfMeasures

ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98

ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me

@sammyrhodes

I don’t speak button, but if I could I’m pretty sure the button on my jeans is saying, “Aaaaah! Help me!” right now.

@AmberTozer

Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful

@seanforhire

soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk

@KevinBuffalo

Perfect.