Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?

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A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”

“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”


My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.

I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.


I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”


The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.


In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.


“We stopped making the style of jeans that fit you perfectly right after you bought your first pair.” -Every store ever


Vaccines don’t kill children.
Anakin Skywalker kills children.


Friends come and friends go.

Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.

And the ones that bring beer.


[at pet store]

“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”

“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”