Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.

I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.

It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.

It’s just a hobby.

One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day

What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?

They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.

The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about

i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon

My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time

I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…

my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.

I triple waxed for this?

*controversially pours a glass of milk*

ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”

I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.

My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.

You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.

“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”

Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?

Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47

By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.

If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”

I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…

… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.

alfred: you have emphysema

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman: oh

alfred:

batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir

I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka

One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.

Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”

Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep

Doctor: that’s quite normal

Old lady: and then a bird

Doctor: what

Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers

My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy