Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”

they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly

Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.

Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!

Pro Tip:

If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!

Van Gone

Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer

You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.

If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.

today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage

always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”

A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.

Red Bull gives you wings.

Sugar Daddy gives you things.

College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.

Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.

GUY: *cuts me off in traffic

ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon

“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔

The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.

I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”

Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?

Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one

i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat

Men go to bars for 2 reasons:

1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.

2) They have a wife to go home to.

I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.

Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.

I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?

Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.

Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder

A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.

I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?

My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”