Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.

My time has come.

Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”

Baking instructions should be:

Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.

Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.

Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?

Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”

Kid bunny: ok

Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots

“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’

I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.

I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”

#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy

Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about

No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.

All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.

Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.

Him: tell me about your longest relationship

Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?

“I think we should start touching other people.”

-Blind couple breaking up.

Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.

just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic

If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.

Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa

The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible

neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live

Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.

I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.

I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough

If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.

INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it

Me: *has cold*

Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe

An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google

[doorbell]

delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel