ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
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At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.