Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.

“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

*drops something sharp*

Brain: catch it with your foot

[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there

I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,

disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?

disciple 2: his dad owns the company

how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”

Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.

I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos

me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake

spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.

If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.

We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:

-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40

More info soon.

HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked

5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?

Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand

5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?

Me: haha not quite

5yo: *just glares at his little brother*

*Inspirational Tweets*

ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait

Possums basically just grow until they die so if u see a really big possum that is an elder and u should be respectful or u will not see the kingdom of heaven

9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?

me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.

9yo: like clothes?

me: no they don’t have clothes there.

genie: i will grant you any wish

me: i wish soup was spelled like soop

genie: [frowning] no

Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred

If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.

[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”

me: does anyone here play baseball

england: *crickets*

What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?

[robbing Whole Foods]

“All the cash in a bag NOW!”

100% organic reusable bag ok?

“Yes!”

[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag

NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers

wait a minute….

Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?

1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping