me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
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When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
where do you see yourself in five years?
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Good lord
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”
– Midnight, a church friend