ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
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4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Breaking news:
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person