Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*literally any business fails*

journalist: ahh yes, the millennials

If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either

Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.

I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming

That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned

You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.

I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”

Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-

*wakes up*

[first day at mcdonalds]

guy: can i get a large fry

me: you mean like a potato

Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.

I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday

Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend

i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely

Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?

9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI

[Nightcap]

Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.

Her: It’s….a….nice.

Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.

*Throws caution to the wind*

*gets covered in caution*

Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.

When someone says you are so lazy

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott

My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?

“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.

“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”

Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.

My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.

“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.

How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw