Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.

I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen

I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…

Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.

son: what’s that one?

me: the orion constellation

son: and that one?

me: that’s the big dipper

son: and what’s that?

me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes

Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!

I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.

Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.

my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree

Today’s weather from Yorkshire

I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.

[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]

Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!

“Toilet paper?!”

Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord

I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma

Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…

What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?

my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?

me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one

Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.

Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.

I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery

I have one of those signs in my house that says:

“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”

It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.

What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you

God: you can sting people more than once.

Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.

God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.

Bee: what’s up?

God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.

Wasp:

Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”

I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.

Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.

I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order