Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”

cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion

Alice: I’m late.

White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line

Alice:

White Rabbit:

Alice: *stares*

White Rabbit: oh shit

Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.

Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?

Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.

Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.

Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.

People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it

my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.

as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money

[1st day in Senate]

Me: I’m against genetic engineering

Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs

Me: How much funding do you need

Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.

Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done

Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.

[Space]

No-one: I can hear screaming

how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?

I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.

just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond

Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.

CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.

The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.

Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.

Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.

Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!

Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.

[camping]

Her: *pointing* What’s that?

Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears

H: *tuts*

M: We’re safe as long as it’s there

H: Right…

*later – cut to me eating the sammich*

*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*

M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so

“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”

We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too

account balance: $1400

me at wendy’s: show me the square cows

My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in

Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.

The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint

Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it