Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
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*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
God has left this place
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.
Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
