Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
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“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no