Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?

Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?

[dinner time]

me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?

kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make

petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”

[job interview]

How would you improve our business?

“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”

[David Attenborough narrating my life]

Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall

[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?

“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*

“It was me. I shit on the rug”

Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.

date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve

My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.

The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.

Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.

In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.

I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.

old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame

A completely valid reaction tbh

If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.

Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.

To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.

No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.

I put my phone in airplane mode.

Worst. Transformer. Ever.

“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”

– The AutocorrExorcist

Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?

Me: Absolutely!

Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?

Me: Absolutely!

Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo

Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”

Her: Says who?

Me: Sesame

I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.

[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been

If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.

For example: Her panties were muggy af.

*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.