Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
My lady wanted to role play ..we was doing doctor and nurse .she in character gone ask me ..doc did you get the results back…i was like yeah the kid has cancer and will be dead by monday …she talking bout i ruined the mood …my acting just to good for boo boo she a hater
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…