Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.

corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here

me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out

My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.

Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.

Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.

Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.

me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood

my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams

“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”

Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”

GOD: This one is a giraffe.

ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-

GOD: They have no vocal chords.

ANGEL: Dude… come on

Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off

Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day

Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them

“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs

A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…

DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor

ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on

The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.

her: you seem really upset, what’s up?

me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess

Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.

Friends come and friends go.

Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.

And the ones that bring beer.

Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*

Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*

Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*

Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.

I have a PhD

Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem

My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩

“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”

Mean The Same Thing.

Unless You’re At A Funeral.

My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser

To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.

Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive

Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”

Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”

what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks

I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.

This took me a few seconds.. 😅