Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
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If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
🔦🌙👣
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…