@BraandoCommando

Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively

Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company

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@StarksWeek

How did we go from crappy gas station coffee to “Yes I’ll pay $7 for you to put that in a cup for me”?

@garrydavenport

WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!

@SarcasmMother

If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail

@MrIceMachine

Mind: Does a flying dream sound good tonight?
Me: Yea!
Mind: Horrific shadow demon it is.
Me: But I thought-?
Mind: Don’t worry, it can fly.

@not_delicate

My husband went to the market for the first time during Coronageddon.

Me: Don’t forget hand soap!
Him: OMG I won’t forget ffs!

{From the store}

Him via text: in line to pay!
Me: Did you get soap?
Him: I forgot to look.

This is why I have a boyfriend.

@ItsAndyRyan

Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*

@orange_rhymer

Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*

@Ygrene

[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands

@_senote_

Friend: What’s your favourite season?

Me: Of which show?

Friend: 😐

Me: 😶

Friend: 😕

Me: 😐

Me: 👀💭

Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.