@BraandoCommando

Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively

Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company

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@Inferno_V

Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.

@darksidedeb

[dinner date]

Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.

Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}

@LuvPug

I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join

@ellorysmith

if you want a really scary story I once dated a man who, anytime I said an interesting fact about something, would sincerely and genuinely respond with “wait , did I tell you that?”

@FrogAvalanche

“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”

@verycleverruse

Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*

@CodyJP9412

Old people that say tattoos are a waste of money: You have entire cabinets dedicated to plates that no one is allowed to use.

@briangaar

How about a superhero whose power is TAKING CARE OF HIS KIDS *high-fives Maury audience while Batman storms off*

@lovemydogduck

My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.

@david8hughes

[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”