
How did we go from crappy gas station coffee to “Yes I’ll pay $7 for you to put that in a cup for me”?
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
How did we go from crappy gas station coffee to “Yes I’ll pay $7 for you to put that in a cup for me”?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Mind: Does a flying dream sound good tonight?
Me: Yea!
Mind: Horrific shadow demon it is.
Me: But I thought-?
Mind: Don’t worry, it can fly.
My husband went to the market for the first time during Coronageddon.
Me: Don’t forget hand soap!
Him: OMG I won’t forget ffs!{From the store}
Him via text: in line to pay!
Me: Did you get soap?
Him: I forgot to look.This is why I have a boyfriend.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.