Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively

Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company

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Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.


[dinner date]

Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.

Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}


I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join


if you want a really scary story I once dated a man who, anytime I said an interesting fact about something, would sincerely and genuinely respond with “wait , did I tell you that?”


“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”


Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*


Old people that say tattoos are a waste of money: You have entire cabinets dedicated to plates that no one is allowed to use.


How about a superhero whose power is TAKING CARE OF HIS KIDS *high-fives Maury audience while Batman storms off*


My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.


“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”