Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
You Might Also Like
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Oh boy, $150,000!
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
You are not alone 💚
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
🌱🌱🌱
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad