Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha

If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff

He’d keep us in line

Roadtrip thread:

We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.

The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.

*Now with 50 percent less fat*

Me: ooooh *buys two*

a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.

wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.

BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat

ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*

BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?

I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go

Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”

I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.

“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.

This is my brand.

Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower

Don’t make me out nice you.

[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]

GOD: a rat dog

ANGEL: check

GOD: that whispers to white people

ANGEL: what?

GOD: about the weather

ANGEL:

Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?

Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.

What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not

I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.

I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.

My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search

I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.

My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class

i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street

Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…

[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?

My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom

Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender

her: *texts something funny*

me: *types hahahahaha*

*stares at it*

*deletes one ha*

And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”

Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?