Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.

But… why can’t I use my teeth?

#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭

There are two wolves inside you

webmd: wolf cancer

Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?

[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]

Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area

Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds

Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist

kevin is now a local weatherman

“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”

me, to the collection agency

just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses

If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.

Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…

It’s basically shitty Christmas.

The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.

Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.

If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying

[Funeral]

Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today

Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!

Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.

Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.

i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog

As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.

wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no

-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again

*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*

“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”

– People who haven’t met me yet

Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’

*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs

In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”

He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”

Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????

Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.

The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”

Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.

This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.

My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.