Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.

[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]

Him: hey I just saw your text

So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.

Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”

I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.

We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.

Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”

Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.

why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?

So many things changing daily.

For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.

“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.

[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS

Me: beware the clyde of march

Clyde: I’m standing right here

Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)

Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious

Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign

“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.

Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.

I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.

Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.

*drops pizza slice on the floor

Hey can I get another slice?

*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice

eggs benadryl

When ur friends with white people

Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?

Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.

Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.

A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.

Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.

My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.

I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter

I call it my Reese’s Thesis