Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
shakira sharkira
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
NYPD has located a can of Pringles left behind by the assassin in Central Park. Upon opening it, they found it was spring-loaded with a large toy snake