Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
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Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended