Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!

There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.

I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.

Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr

My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.

A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.

her: can you pick up the house

me: *putting on back brace* I can try

My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.

Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!

Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life

Me: welcome to my she shed

Gynecologist: please don’t call it that

dora: jeez we’re really lost

boots: dora i’m freezing

backpack: we need a fire

the map: what should we use to start it?

dora:

boots:

backpack:

the map: oh no

dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault

Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives

My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.

Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.

I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.

Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.

Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.

I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.

I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.

If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.

Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?

I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.

They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.

My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭

Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.

Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.

I’d walk over cotton balls for you

MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s Day

MAR 16: middle child, left out as usual

The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.

Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you

Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.

– Horton Has to Poo