Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating Profile:

List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.

Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”

It was thirty seconds til daybreak

I waited patiently

And then it dawned on me

Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.

When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play

Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.

[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND

Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?

I wrote out SOS with M&M’s

Five minutes later

I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s

[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.

CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.

ME: No thanks.

CASHIER: It comes with free refills.

ME: I do like free refills…

[presentation]

GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?

ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?

[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars

“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”

How to beat depression:

1) Talk to someone

2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.

If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.

sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free

sales in 2024:

How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?

“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.

I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Thank you. I’ll be here all night.

Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.

Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.

Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?

Why are bridges so flammable.

“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad

“What are you going to wear today?”

Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.

Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe

School district says no pajamas for online classes

What are you gonna do, send them home?

To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …

I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.

Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?

Have kids.