Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?

Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough

[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy

so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip

*Hears sound in the middle of the night*

Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.

Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.

alien: take me to your leader

me: take me to YOUR leader

alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?

Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*

Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.

Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*

his wife is probably gonna see that

[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”

Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out

3am

Me: *wakes up for no reason*

Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*

Bladder: We should pee.

Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!

Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…

… free of charge.

Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..

4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!

Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.

Hub: When was your first kiss

Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks

Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent

Me: I hate you

I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off

I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.

Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit

Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.

A duv-egg? In this economy?

I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.

Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.

Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.

Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster

WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.

my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die

A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.

Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues

Best table by far