Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win

A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.

If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.

Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.

STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life

Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch

A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages

[driving to occult ceremony]

“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”

[2 hours later]

[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER

Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.

Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…

it’s a running joke…

Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.

I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.

darth vader: i killed three planets

thanos: i killed half the universe

voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times

thanos: a kid, really

darth vader: wow

voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay

[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?

Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.

Friend: For Halloween?

Me: For what?

date: I’m an archaeologist

me: my career is also in ruins

You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…

Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?

Me: Butternut Squash

Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.

I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair

HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY

First day of the week: brad pitt

Last day of the week: homeless druggie

Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.

I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.

You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE

ME: where’s your brother?

OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?

ME: *sprints to the basement*

I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.

-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest