me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
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Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering.
Scientist: We’ve developed kids with volume knobs.
Me: How much funding do you need.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.